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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Antlers
Cook
Cooks
Chocolate
Throat
Stuck
Wife
Made
Mousse
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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
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Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
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I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
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I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
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With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, How can I get my kite in the air? He told me to run off a cliff.
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My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.
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With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
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Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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