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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Woman
Best
Toast
Ever
Toasts
Made
Waiter
Men
Joined
Birthday
Respect
Wife
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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My sex life is terrible my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
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I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
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I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'
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My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, How can I get my kite in the air? He told me to run off a cliff.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, Wait til it gets warmer.
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
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Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
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My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
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Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
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Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
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I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
Rodney Dangerfield
