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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Humor
Told
Comedy
Funny
Breast
Mother
Feds
Never
Breasts
Liked
Friend

More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
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I was an ugly kid when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
Rodney Dangerfield
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
Rodney Dangerfield
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I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is don't tell the butcher!
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I can't get no respect.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'
Rodney Dangerfield
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
Rodney Dangerfield
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She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
Rodney Dangerfield
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She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
Rodney Dangerfield
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You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
Rodney Dangerfield