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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Night
Sexy
Home
Mets
Door
Doors
Coming
Comedy
Wife
Inspirational
Unfortunately
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My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
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My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
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She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
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Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
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I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
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I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'
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What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
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Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
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Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
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I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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I can't get no respect.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
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We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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