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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Relationship
Sleep
Vacations
Politics
Vacation
Funny
Separate
Keep
Apart
Together
Dinner
Everything
Marriage
Take
Rooms

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My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
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What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
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We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
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I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
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She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
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I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
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My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
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I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
Rodney Dangerfield