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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Take
Rooms
Relationship
Sleep
Vacations
Politics
Vacation
Funny
Separate
Keep
Apart
Together
Dinner
Everything
Marriage

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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.
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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
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With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, How can I get my kite in the air? He told me to run off a cliff.
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
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They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
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I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
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My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
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His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
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One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
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When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
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He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
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I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
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