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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Take
Rooms
Relationship
Sleep
Vacations
Politics
Vacation
Funny
Separate
Keep
Apart
Together
Dinner
Everything
Marriage
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
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It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
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I can't get no respect.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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I told my kids, Someday, you'll have kids of your own. One of them said, So will you.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
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What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.
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Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
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I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
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Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
Rodney Dangerfield
