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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Mother
Slapped
Humour
Doctor
Doctors
Ugly
Beauty
Born
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
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My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
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At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.
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I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
Rodney Dangerfield
She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
Rodney Dangerfield
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
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Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
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I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
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One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
Rodney Dangerfield
I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
Rodney Dangerfield
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
