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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Humour
Doctor
Doctors
Ugly
Beauty
Born
Mother
Slapped
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
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They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
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She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
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I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
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She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
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I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
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My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.
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The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
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My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.
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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
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We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
Rodney Dangerfield
