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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Beauty
Born
Mother
Slapped
Humour
Doctor
Doctors
Ugly
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, How can I get my kite in the air? He told me to run off a cliff.
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
Rodney Dangerfield
He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.
Rodney Dangerfield
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
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I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
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My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
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My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
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I can't get no respect.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
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I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
Rodney Dangerfield
