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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Wanted
Fingers
Time
Dad
Piece
Pieces
Kidnapped
Comedy
Finger
Happy
Sent
Father
Humorous
Remember
Proof
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
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Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, Where'd you get the pig? Guy says, This is a duck. Bartender says, I was talking to the duck.
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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My sex life is terrible my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
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My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
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One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
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To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
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My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
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Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
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I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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