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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Wanted
Fingers
Time
Dad
Piece
Pieces
Kidnapped
Comedy
Finger
Happy
Sent
Father
Humorous
Remember
Proof
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
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All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
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What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
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I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
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They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, Wait til it gets warmer.
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My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
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She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
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I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
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