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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Beats
Ugly
Yeah
Comedy
Bartender
Make
Zombie
Beat
Drinking
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
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If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
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I can't get no respect.
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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower.
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I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
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My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
Rodney Dangerfield
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
Rodney Dangerfield
I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.
Rodney Dangerfield
When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
Rodney Dangerfield
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
Rodney Dangerfield
