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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Comedy
Make
Bartender
Zombie
Beat
Drinking
Beats
Ugly
Yeah
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
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The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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My sex life is terrible my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
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Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
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I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
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My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
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My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
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I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
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I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
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Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, Where'd you get the pig? Guy says, This is a duck. Bartender says, I was talking to the duck.
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
Rodney Dangerfield
