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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Stay
Kissing
Wife
Lips
Dog
Tough
Married
Couple
Kisses
Marriage
Glass
Drink
Glasses
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At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.
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I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
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He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.
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Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
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I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
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What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
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With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
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I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother
Rodney Dangerfield
