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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Dog
Tough
Married
Couple
Kisses
Marriage
Glass
Drink
Glasses
Stay
Kissing
Wife
Lips
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.
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I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
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My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Rodney Dangerfield
I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
Rodney Dangerfield
I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
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Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
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The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
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My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Rodney Dangerfield
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
Rodney Dangerfield
At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
Rodney Dangerfield
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, Wait til it gets warmer.
Rodney Dangerfield
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
Rodney Dangerfield
