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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Marriage
Glass
Drink
Glasses
Stay
Kissing
Wife
Lips
Dog
Tough
Married
Couple
Kisses
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
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He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
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When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
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She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
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I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.
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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother
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