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My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Saws
Afraid
Wife
Dark
Light
Naked
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
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When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
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My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
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My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
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With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
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