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My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Light
Naked
Saws
Afraid
Wife
Dark
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
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My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
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When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
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I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is don't tell the butcher!
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
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My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
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I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
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Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
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I told my kids, Someday, you'll have kids of your own. One of them said, So will you.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
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Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
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I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said, No, I hate myself now.
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When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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