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I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Fact
Table
Funny
Tables
Facts
Mirrors
Place
Sex
Life
Comedy
Witty
Food
Kitchen
Taken
Aging
Age
Mirror
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
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Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
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With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
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What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
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If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
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What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
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You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
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