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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Morning
Guy
Loom
Underwear
Fruit
Guys
Laughing
Comedy
Hear
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
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My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
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I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
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I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
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When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
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At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
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Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
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His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
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I was an ugly kid when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
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I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
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I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'
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