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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Comedy
Hear
Morning
Guy
Loom
Underwear
Fruit
Guys
Laughing
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said, No, I hate myself now.
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I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
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My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.
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I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
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You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.
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One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
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I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
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I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
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I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
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