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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Laughing
Comedy
Hear
Morning
Guy
Loom
Underwear
Fruit
Guys
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It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
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I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother
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When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
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Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
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One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
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Man, who don't like spaghetti?
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