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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Much
Beer
Time
Alcohol
Drinking
Urine
Gave
Olive
Drink
Olives
Party
Sample
Lasts
Drunkenness
Last
Drank
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I can't get no respect.
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I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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My sex life is terrible my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
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Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
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I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
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He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
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They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
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You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield
