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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Drink
Olives
Party
Sample
Lasts
Drunkenness
Last
Drank
Much
Beer
Time
Alcohol
Drinking
Urine
Gave
Olive
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
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My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
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She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
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With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
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Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I was an ugly kid when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.
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One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
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If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
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A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
Rodney Dangerfield
