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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Okay
Second
Humor
Told
Crazy
Opinion
Beauty
Psychiatrist
Funny
Ugly
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.
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Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
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It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look, twins!
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
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We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
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I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
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Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
Rodney Dangerfield
