My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.

How do blind people know when they're done wiping their ass?

I went to rent a car, and the guy goes, 'Do you want the extra insurance?' I said, 'Why...am I gonna get into an extra accident?

If you get a ticket, you can go to traffic school, and they make you watch movies for like eight hours: head-on collisions, mannequins flying out the windshield. At the end of the movie, the instructor goes, 'Now what have we learned by this?' Never let a mannequin drive your car.

A lot of weird ads. Sally Struthers with that little kid: 'Just 55 cents, the price of a cup of coffee, feeds this kid and his family for a week.' Yeah, where is that? 'Cause I wanna move there.

You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television.

So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation. Yeah, does it look like I'm suffering? Those aren't tears on your belly.

Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy.

It's my mission to try and give people fighting the disease the same gifts of laughter and a positive attitude I had. Hopefully, my career as a comic will give me the forum to touch these people.