You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television.

I went to rent a car, and the guy goes, 'Do you want the extra insurance?' I said, 'Why...am I gonna get into an extra accident?

Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy.

My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.

It's my mission to try and give people fighting the disease the same gifts of laughter and a positive attitude I had. Hopefully, my career as a comic will give me the forum to touch these people.

How do blind people know when they're done wiping their ass?

So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation. Yeah, does it look like I'm suffering? Those aren't tears on your belly.

A lot of weird ads. Sally Struthers with that little kid: 'Just 55 cents, the price of a cup of coffee, feeds this kid and his family for a week.' Yeah, where is that? 'Cause I wanna move there.

If you get a ticket, you can go to traffic school, and they make you watch movies for like eight hours: head-on collisions, mannequins flying out the windshield. At the end of the movie, the instructor goes, 'Now what have we learned by this?' Never let a mannequin drive your car.