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Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, Guess Who? She's a divorce lawyer.

Robert Orben

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Robert Orben
Age: 96
Born: 1928
Born: March 4
Magician
Writer
the United States of America
Perfume
Sent
Divorce
Cards
Lawyer
Guess
Hear
Signed
Woman
Valentine

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What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?
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There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
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Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
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For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.
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Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.
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If you can get someone to laugh with you, they will be more willing to identify with you, listen to you. It parts the waters.
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Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.
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In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative fight, flee - or laugh.
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Faith, indeed, has up to the present not been able to move real mountains.... But it can put mountains where there are none. Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
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Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.
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It always seems to someone outside the business that it is very difficult to write for a comedy show because it must be done quickly. Actually, it is much easier to write this humor than to do a joke or a show from scratch, because the audience knows the plot. Just mention what is going on and then deliver the punch line.
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When we laugh we temporarily give ourselves over to the person who makes us laugh.
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I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.
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I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
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Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.
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Nowadays, you cannot be a very Effective political figure without Having a demonstrable sense of humor. People take to it.
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Realists know where they're going. Dreamers have already been there.
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We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally, I've never met a family adviser. They're all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.
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They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.
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Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
Robert Orben