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It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.

Robert Orben

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Robert Orben
Age: 96
Born: 1928
Born: March 4
Magician
Writer
the United States of America
Amazing
Jobs
Important
Unimportant
Raise
Raises

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I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.
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Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.
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Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, Guess Who? She's a divorce lawyer.
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I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.
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They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.
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Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.
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Vacation: When you spend thousands of dollars to see what rain looks like in different parts of the world.
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A sigh is an amplifier for people who suffer in silence.
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Successful salesman: someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.
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The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.
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Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.
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We have enough people who tell it like it is - now we could use a few who tell it like it can be.
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Faith, indeed, has up to the present not been able to move real mountains.... But it can put mountains where there are none. Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
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Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
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Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.
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THe world now has so many problems that if Moses had come down from Mount Sinai today, the two tablets he'd carry would be aspirin.
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The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.
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Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.
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Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like it there's no faking it.
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Happiness is contagious. Be a carrier!!
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