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I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.
Robert Orben
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Robert Orben
Age: 96
Born: 1928
Born: March 4
Magician
Writer
the United States of America
Called
Procrastinator
Year
Addressing
Fighting
Cards
Left
Christmas
Years
Finished
Terrible
Fight
Wife
More quotes by Robert Orben
Did you ever figure to be living in a time when your check is good, but the bank bounces?
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A sigh is an amplifier for people who suffer in silence.
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Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.
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Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.
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As much as we admire all the characteristics of a Ronald Reagan, as soon as something goes wrong, people will hate those same characteristics.
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Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.
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If somebody accuses you in a story of being a crook, you can demand that they prove it. But if a comic says it and you protest, people say, 'What's the matter, you can't take a joke?
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The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.
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Successful salesman: someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.
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Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!
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Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.
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A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.
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To exercise is human not to is divine.
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Anybody with a good sense of humor is one-up on their competition. We respond to somebody who has the ability to make us laugh. It's a bonding influence.
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Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, Guess Who? She's a divorce lawyer.
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They're combining that new fertility drug with a birth control pill for people who don't want triplets.
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The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.
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I'm beginning to wonder about my broker. Yesterday I told him to buy a hundred shares of A.T.&T. He said, 'Would you spell that?'
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We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally, I've never met a family adviser. They're all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.
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They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.
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