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My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

Robert Orben

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Robert Orben
Age: 96
Born: 1928
Born: March 4
Magician
Writer
the United States of America
Lying
Everyone
Never
Humorous
Tells
Lies
Wife
Age

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I'm beginning to wonder about my broker. Yesterday I told him to buy a hundred shares of A.T.&T. He said, 'Would you spell that?'
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To reduce stress, avoid excitement. Spend more time with your spouse.
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They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.
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For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.
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Did you ever figure to be living in a time when your check is good, but the bank bounces?
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Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
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I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.
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Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.
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It may be the way the cookie crumbles on Madison Avenue, but in Hong Kong its the way the egg rolls.
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It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.
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A sigh is an amplifier for people who suffer in silence.
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There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
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Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.
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It always seems to someone outside the business that it is very difficult to write for a comedy show because it must be done quickly. Actually, it is much easier to write this humor than to do a joke or a show from scratch, because the audience knows the plot. Just mention what is going on and then deliver the punch line.
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To exercise is human not to is divine.
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Individuality' is the key to success.
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The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.
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Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.
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Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.
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Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.
Robert Orben