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My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

Robert Orben

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Robert Orben
Age: 96
Born: 1928
Born: March 4
Magician
Writer
the United States of America
Everyone
Never
Humorous
Tells
Lies
Wife
Age
Lying

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Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, Guess Who? She's a divorce lawyer.
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Do you realize that in the past sixty years, the only foreigners the French have been able to drive out are American tourists?
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They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.
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What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?
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Happiness is contagious. Be a carrier!!
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I'm beginning to wonder about my broker. Yesterday I told him to buy a hundred shares of A.T.&T. He said, 'Would you spell that?'
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The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.
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Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.
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You wouldn't want Alan Greenspan to write the instructions for assembling a beach chair.
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Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.
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The Playboy Calendar this year has some tiptop models. Any more top and they'd tip.
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To reduce stress, avoid excitement. Spend more time with your spouse.
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There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.
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As much as we admire all the characteristics of a Ronald Reagan, as soon as something goes wrong, people will hate those same characteristics.
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With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!
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President Ford used humor a great deal.
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Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
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There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
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If you can get someone to laugh with you, they will be more willing to identify with you, listen to you. It parts the waters.
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Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.
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