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My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

Robert Orben

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Robert Orben
Age: 96
Born: 1928
Born: March 4
Magician
Writer
the United States of America
Age
Lying
Everyone
Never
Humorous
Tells
Lies
Wife

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The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.
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There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.
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Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave - but there's no need to be in the passing lane.
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Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.
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It always seems to someone outside the business that it is very difficult to write for a comedy show because it must be done quickly. Actually, it is much easier to write this humor than to do a joke or a show from scratch, because the audience knows the plot. Just mention what is going on and then deliver the punch line.
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If somebody accuses you in a story of being a crook, you can demand that they prove it. But if a comic says it and you protest, people say, 'What's the matter, you can't take a joke?
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Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, Guess Who? She's a divorce lawyer.
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To reduce stress, avoid excitement. Spend more time with your spouse.
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Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!
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If you can get someone to laugh with you, they will be more willing to identify with you, listen to you. It parts the waters.
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The Playboy Calendar this year has some tiptop models. Any more top and they'd tip.
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Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.
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They're combining that new fertility drug with a birth control pill for people who don't want triplets.
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It may be the way the cookie crumbles on Madison Avenue, but in Hong Kong its the way the egg rolls.
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What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?
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Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.
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Happiness is contagious. Be a carrier!!
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You wouldn't want Alan Greenspan to write the instructions for assembling a beach chair.
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Anybody with a good sense of humor is one-up on their competition. We respond to somebody who has the ability to make us laugh. It's a bonding influence.
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Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.
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