Quote

We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally, I've never met a family adviser. They're all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.

Robert Orben

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Robert Orben
Age: 96
Born: 1928
Born: March 4
Magician
Writer
the United States of America
Never
Somewhere
Supposed
Listening
Problems
Family
Adviser
Stories
Personally
Problem
Dirty
Take
Mets

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I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
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If somebody accuses you in a story of being a crook, you can demand that they prove it. But if a comic says it and you protest, people say, 'What's the matter, you can't take a joke?
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Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.
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There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.
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The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.
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It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.
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Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.
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Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
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I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.
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There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
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Realists know where they're going. Dreamers have already been there.
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Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.
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The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.
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Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like it there's no faking it.
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Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
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To exercise is human not to is divine.
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Sociologists say that going to the movies is a bonding experience. It probably has to do with the way you feet stick to the floor.
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Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, Guess Who? She's a divorce lawyer.
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Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.
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