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We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally, I've never met a family adviser. They're all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.

Robert Orben

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Robert Orben
Age: 96
Born: 1928
Born: March 4
Magician
Writer
the United States of America
Listening
Problems
Family
Adviser
Stories
Personally
Problem
Dirty
Take
Mets
Never
Somewhere
Supposed

More quotes by Robert Orben

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It always seems to someone outside the business that it is very difficult to write for a comedy show because it must be done quickly. Actually, it is much easier to write this humor than to do a joke or a show from scratch, because the audience knows the plot. Just mention what is going on and then deliver the punch line.
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They're combining that new fertility drug with a birth control pill for people who don't want triplets.
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Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.
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With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!
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Faith, indeed, has up to the present not been able to move real mountains.... But it can put mountains where there are none. Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
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Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.
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As much as we admire all the characteristics of a Ronald Reagan, as soon as something goes wrong, people will hate those same characteristics.
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I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.
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Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.
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I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.
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Do you realize that in the past sixty years, the only foreigners the French have been able to drive out are American tourists?
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For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.
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I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
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I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.
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Sociologists say that going to the movies is a bonding experience. It probably has to do with the way you feet stick to the floor.
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I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.
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Anybody with a good sense of humor is one-up on their competition. We respond to somebody who has the ability to make us laugh. It's a bonding influence.
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You wouldn't want Alan Greenspan to write the instructions for assembling a beach chair.
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I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.
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President Ford used humor a great deal.
Robert Orben