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I don't want to say anything about my kids...but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!

Robert Orben

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Robert Orben
Age: 96
Born: 1928
Born: March 4
Magician
Writer
the United States of America
Family
Kids
Anything
Pta
Assumed
Meetings
Name
Names

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To exercise is human not to is divine.
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My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.
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Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.
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THe world now has so many problems that if Moses had come down from Mount Sinai today, the two tablets he'd carry would be aspirin.
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For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.
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Faith, indeed, has up to the present not been able to move real mountains.... But it can put mountains where there are none. Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
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If somebody accuses you in a story of being a crook, you can demand that they prove it. But if a comic says it and you protest, people say, 'What's the matter, you can't take a joke?
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Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!
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President Ford used humor a great deal.
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I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.
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The Playboy Calendar this year has some tiptop models. Any more top and they'd tip.
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I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.
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It always seems to someone outside the business that it is very difficult to write for a comedy show because it must be done quickly. Actually, it is much easier to write this humor than to do a joke or a show from scratch, because the audience knows the plot. Just mention what is going on and then deliver the punch line.
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It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.
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Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like it there's no faking it.
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Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
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There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.
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If you can get someone to laugh with you, they will be more willing to identify with you, listen to you. It parts the waters.
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A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.
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Wait'll next year! is the favorite cry of baseball fans, football fans, hockey fans, and gardeners.
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