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I don't want to say anything about my kids...but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!

Robert Orben

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Robert Orben
Age: 96
Born: 1928
Born: March 4
Magician
Writer
the United States of America
Family
Kids
Anything
Pta
Assumed
Meetings
Name
Names

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Wait'll next year! is the favorite cry of baseball fans, football fans, hockey fans, and gardeners.
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Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!
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If you can get someone to laugh with you, they will be more willing to identify with you, listen to you. It parts the waters.
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Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.
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With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!
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For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.
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My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.
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They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.
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Faith, indeed, has up to the present not been able to move real mountains.... But it can put mountains where there are none. Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
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Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.
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Nowadays, you cannot be a very Effective political figure without Having a demonstrable sense of humor. People take to it.
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If somebody accuses you in a story of being a crook, you can demand that they prove it. But if a comic says it and you protest, people say, 'What's the matter, you can't take a joke?
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You wouldn't want Alan Greenspan to write the instructions for assembling a beach chair.
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Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.
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It always seems to someone outside the business that it is very difficult to write for a comedy show because it must be done quickly. Actually, it is much easier to write this humor than to do a joke or a show from scratch, because the audience knows the plot. Just mention what is going on and then deliver the punch line.
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Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.
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We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally, I've never met a family adviser. They're all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.
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Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave - but there's no need to be in the passing lane.
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As much as we admire all the characteristics of a Ronald Reagan, as soon as something goes wrong, people will hate those same characteristics.
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I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.
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