Quote

I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.

Robert Orben

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Robert Orben
Age: 96
Born: 1928
Born: March 4
Magician
Writer
the United States of America
Given
Companies
Think
Cooking
Thinking
Bread
Tasteless
Already
Onion
Food
Onions
Company
Culinary
Bigs
Vegetables
Understand
Developing

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Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!
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I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.
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I don't want to say anything about my kids...but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!
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Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.
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Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like it there's no faking it.
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The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.
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With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!
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To exercise is human not to is divine.
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If somebody accuses you in a story of being a crook, you can demand that they prove it. But if a comic says it and you protest, people say, 'What's the matter, you can't take a joke?
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I'm beginning to wonder about my broker. Yesterday I told him to buy a hundred shares of A.T.&T. He said, 'Would you spell that?'
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For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.
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Do you realize that in the past sixty years, the only foreigners the French have been able to drive out are American tourists?
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Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.
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There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.
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If you can get someone to laugh with you, they will be more willing to identify with you, listen to you. It parts the waters.
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Did you ever figure to be living in a time when your check is good, but the bank bounces?
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Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'
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Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, Guess Who? She's a divorce lawyer.
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My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.
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