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Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Robert Orben

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Robert Orben
Age: 96
Born: 1928
Born: March 4
Magician
Writer
the United States of America
Older
Health
Preservatives
Food
Fitness
Funny
Birthday
Need
Witty
Needs
Humorous
People
Shouldn
Laughter

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They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.
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Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, Guess Who? She's a divorce lawyer.
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Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
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The Playboy Calendar this year has some tiptop models. Any more top and they'd tip.
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When we laugh we temporarily give ourselves over to the person who makes us laugh.
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Did you ever figure to be living in a time when your check is good, but the bank bounces?
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I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.
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Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.
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There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
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Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.
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Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like it there's no faking it.
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I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
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Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.
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Do your kids a favor - don't have any.
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I don't want to say anything about my kids...but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!
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It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.
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I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.
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What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?
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There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.
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If somebody accuses you in a story of being a crook, you can demand that they prove it. But if a comic says it and you protest, people say, 'What's the matter, you can't take a joke?
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