I have little patience with anyone who is not self-satisfied. I am always pleased to see my friends, happy to be with my wife and family, but the high spot of every day is when I first catch a glimpse of myself in the shaving mirror.

When I asked my accountant if anything could get me out of the mess I am in now, he thought for a long time, and I didn't care much for his answer. 'Yes,' he said. 'Death would help.'

If the critics were always right we should be in deep trouble.

Beware of the conversationalist who adds In other words.

Most owners are at length able to teach themselves to obey their dog.

If people take the trouble to cook, you should take the trouble to eat.

The French are a logical people, which is one reason the English dislike them so intensely. The other is that they own France, a country which we have always judged to be much too good for them.

The ball is man's most disastrous invention, not excluding the wheel.

Every child should be placed on a doorstep to sell something. It's the best possible training for life.

I have never willingly chased a ball.

I don’t work. I merely inflict myself on the public.

A man who has his initials on his pyjamas must be uncertain of himself. Surely you should know who you are at bed time.

There is little to compare with the thrill of standing next to the creature in the winner's enclosure avoiding his hooves and receiving the congratulations of the press, your trainer and friends who backed it. What makes the experience so satisfying is that you, the owner, have had absolutely nothing to do with the horse winning.

To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.