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In preparing the soil for planting, you will need several tools. Dynamite would be a beautiful thing to use, but it would have a tendency to get the dirt into the front-hall and track up the stairs.

Robert Benchley

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Robert Benchley
Age: 56 †
Born: 1889
Born: September 15
Died: 1945
Died: November 21
Actor
Humorist
Journalist
Screenwriter
Worcester
Massachusetts
Fronts
Halls
Front
Dirt
Use
Tendency
Beautiful
Tendencies
Planting
Need
Soil
Dynamite
Needs
Several
Stairs
Thing
Track
Hall
Would
Tools
Preparing

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A man may take care of a furnace for twenty-five years and still forget to duck his head when he starts going down the cellar stairs.
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I never liked bananas much anyway. Two-thirds of the way down even one banana I am willing to concede defeat smilingly and give the rest to the nearest monkey.
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One cubic foot less of space and it would have constituted adultery.
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The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. That remark in itself wouldn't make any sense if quoted as it stands.
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If Shakespeare were alive today and writing comedy for the movies, he would be the head-liner for the Mack Sennett studios.
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You won't find one fish in a million that has enough sense to come in when it rains.
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What is to be done with people who can't read a Sunday paper without messing it all up?... Show me a Sunday paper which has been left in a condition fit only for kite flying, and I will show you an antisocial and dangerous character who has left it that way.
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There are several ways to apportion the family income, all of them unsatisfactory.
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If you look at eggs, you will see that each one is almost round but not quite ... Nature's way of distinguishing eggs from large golf balls.
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Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.
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At fifteen one is first beginning to realize that everything isn't money and power in this world, and is casting about for joys that do not turn to dross in one's hands.
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One of the great natural phenomena is the way in which a tube of toothpaste suddenly empties itself when it hears that you are planning a trip, so that when you come to pack it is just a twisted shell of its former self, with not even a cubic millimeter left to be squeezed out.
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This congestion in the post offices is due to what are technically known as regulations but what are really a series of acrostics and anagrams devised by some officials who got around a table one night and tried to be funny.
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You want to go easy on the suicide stuff - first thing you know, you'll ruin your health.
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I once heard of a murderer who propped his two victims up against a chess board in sporting attitudes and was able to get as far as Seattle before his crime was discovered.
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In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.
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A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
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The art of cursing people seems to have lost its tang since the old days when a good malediction took four deep breaths to deliverand sent the outfielders scurrying toward the fence to field.
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If there is a streak of ham anywhere in an actor, Shakespeare will bring it out.
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A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death.
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