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All laughter is a muscular rigidity spasmodically relieved by involuntary twitching.

Robert Benchley

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Robert Benchley
Age: 56 †
Born: 1889
Born: September 15
Died: 1945
Died: November 21
Actor
Humorist
Journalist
Screenwriter
Worcester
Massachusetts
Relieved
Laughter
Twitching
Muscular
Rigidity
Involuntary

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My only solution for the problem of habitual accidents is to stay in bed all day. Even then, there is always the chance that you will fall out.
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People who begin sentences with I may be old-fashioned but-- are usually not only old-fashioned but wrong. I never thought the time would come when I should catch myself leading off with that crack. But I feel it coming on right now.
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We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born.
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A man gets on a train with his little boy, and gives the conductor only one ticket. 'How old's your kid?' the conductor says, and the father says, 'He's four years old.' 'He looks at least twelve to me,' says the conductor. And the father says, 'Can I help it if he worries?
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There is a note in the front of the volume saying that no public reading may be given without first getting the author's permission. It ought to be made much more difficult to do than that.
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Streets full of water. Please Advise.
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There is no doubt that every healthy, normal boy...should own a dog at some time in his life, preferably between the ages of forty-five and fifty.
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Streets flooded. Please advise.
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The naturalistic literature of this country has reached such a state that no family of characters is considered true to life whichdoes not include at least two hypochondriacs, one sadist, and one old man who spills food down the front of his vest.
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Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
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Work is a form of nervousness.
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This congestion in the post offices is due to what are technically known as regulations but what are really a series of acrostics and anagrams devised by some officials who got around a table one night and tried to be funny.
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I never liked bananas much anyway. Two-thirds of the way down even one banana I am willing to concede defeat smilingly and give the rest to the nearest monkey.
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In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.
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There are several ways to apportion the family income, all of them unsatisfactory.
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Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.
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A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
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Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
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If you look at eggs, you will see that each one is almost round but not quite ... Nature's way of distinguishing eggs from large golf balls.
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The only cure for a real hangover is death.
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