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You won't find one fish in a million that has enough sense to come in when it rains.

Robert Benchley

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Robert Benchley
Age: 56 †
Born: 1889
Born: September 15
Died: 1945
Died: November 21
Actor
Humorist
Journalist
Screenwriter
Worcester
Massachusetts
Million
Rain
Rains
Sea
Lakes
Millions
Fishing
Sense
Fish
Find
Fishes
Come
Boat
Enough
Rivers

More quotes by Robert Benchley

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I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures.
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In preparing the soil for planting, you will need several tools. Dynamite would be a beautiful thing to use, but it would have a tendency to get the dirt into the front-hall and track up the stairs.
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A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death.
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The only cure for a real hangover is death.
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Who has not wished that his host would come out frankly at the beginning of the visit and state, in no uncertain terms, the rulesand preferences of the household in such matters as the breakfast hour? And who has not sounded out his guest to find out what he likes in the regulation of his diet and modus vivendi (mode of living)?
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There is probably no more obnoxious class of citizen, taken end for end, than the returning vacationist.
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Next to a shot of some good, habit-forming narcotic, there is nothing like travelling alone as a 'builder-upper.
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The art of cursing people seems to have lost its tang since the old days when a good malediction took four deep breaths to deliverand sent the outfielders scurrying toward the fence to field.
Robert Benchley
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Sheer madness is, of course, the highest possible brow in humor.
Robert Benchley
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The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
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In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That's what makes it so tough for us outsiders. We have to fight home competition.
Robert Benchley
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Next to an old-fashioned church social, or possibly a monster bridge party, there is no buzz which can equal the sibilant buzz ofa matinée.
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Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous.
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The knocking out of a pipe can be made almost as important as the smoking of it, especially if there are nervous people in the room. A good, smart knock of a pipe against a tin wastebasket and you will have a neurasthenic out of his chair and into the window sash in no time.
Robert Benchley
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What is to be done with people who can't read a Sunday paper without messing it all up?... Show me a Sunday paper which has been left in a condition fit only for kite flying, and I will show you an antisocial and dangerous character who has left it that way.
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I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.
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A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
Robert Benchley
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There is a note in the front of the volume saying that no public reading may be given without first getting the author's permission. It ought to be made much more difficult to do than that.
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I don't want to be an alarmist, but I think that the Younger Generation is up to something.... I base my apprehension on nothing more definite than the fact that they are always coming in and going out of the house, without any apparent reason.
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Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.
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