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You want to go easy on the suicide stuff - first thing you know, you'll ruin your health.

Robert Benchley

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Robert Benchley
Age: 56 †
Born: 1889
Born: September 15
Died: 1945
Died: November 21
Actor
Humorist
Journalist
Screenwriter
Worcester
Massachusetts
Inspirational
Stuff
Firsts
First
Ruin
Thing
Ruins
Suicide
Health
Easy

More quotes by Robert Benchley

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If there is a streak of ham anywhere in an actor, Shakespeare will bring it out.
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A man gets on a train with his little boy, and gives the conductor only one ticket. 'How old's your kid?' the conductor says, and the father says, 'He's four years old.' 'He looks at least twelve to me,' says the conductor. And the father says, 'Can I help it if he worries?
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The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
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All laughter is a muscular rigidity spasmodically relieved by involuntary twitching.
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I don't want to be an alarmist, but I think that the Younger Generation is up to something.... I base my apprehension on nothing more definite than the fact that they are always coming in and going out of the house, without any apparent reason.
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It has always seemed to me that the most difficult part of building a bridge would be the start.
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This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation.
Robert Benchley
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A child of three cannot raise its chubby fist to its mouth to remove a piece of carpet which it is through eating, without being made the subject of a psychological seminar of child-welfare experts, and written up, along with five hundred other children of three who have put their hands to their mouths for the same reason.
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A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
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Traveling with children corresponds roughly to traveling third class in Bulgaria.
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Next to an old-fashioned church social, or possibly a monster bridge party, there is no buzz which can equal the sibilant buzz ofa matinée.
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Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of
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If Shakespeare were alive today and writing comedy for the movies, he would be the head-liner for the Mack Sennett studios.
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Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
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The only cure for a real hangover is death.
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I am both a public and a private school boy myself, having always changed schools just as the class in English in the new school was taking up Silas Marner, with the result that it was the only book in the English language that I knew until I was eighteen--but, boy, did I know Silas Marner!
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This congestion in the post offices is due to what are technically known as regulations but what are really a series of acrostics and anagrams devised by some officials who got around a table one night and tried to be funny.
Robert Benchley
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Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.
Robert Benchley
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An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.
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Streets flooded. Please advise.
Robert Benchley