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There are several ways to apportion the family income, all of them unsatisfactory.

Robert Benchley

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Robert Benchley
Age: 56 †
Born: 1889
Born: September 15
Died: 1945
Died: November 21
Actor
Humorist
Journalist
Screenwriter
Worcester
Massachusetts
Money
Way
Unsatisfactory
Several
Income
Ways
Family

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One of the great natural phenomena is the way in which a tube of toothpaste suddenly empties itself when it hears that you are planning a trip, so that when you come to pack it is just a twisted shell of its former self, with not even a cubic millimeter left to be squeezed out.
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There is probably no more obnoxious class of citizen, taken end for end, than the returning vacationist.
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Next to an old-fashioned church social, or possibly a monster bridge party, there is no buzz which can equal the sibilant buzz ofa matinée.
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A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
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Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
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Sheer madness is, of course, the highest possible brow in humor.
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Work is a form of nervousness.
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Streets flooded. Please advise.
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You want to go easy on the suicide stuff - first thing you know, you'll ruin your health.
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There is a note in the front of the volume saying that no public reading may be given without first getting the author's permission. It ought to be made much more difficult to do than that.
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There are two ways to travel, first class or with children.
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Central Park is the grandiose symbol of the front yard each child in New York hasn't got.
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If Shakespeare were alive today and writing comedy for the movies, he would be the head-liner for the Mack Sennett studios.
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Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
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There seems to be a common strain of miserliness in the American people when it comes to throwing away toothpaste tubes which havea little left in the bottom.
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If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from.
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Streets full of water. Please Advise.
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All laughter is a muscular rigidity spasmodically relieved by involuntary twitching.
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Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.
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People who begin sentences with I may be old-fashioned but-- are usually not only old-fashioned but wrong. I never thought the time would come when I should catch myself leading off with that crack. But I feel it coming on right now.
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