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We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born.

Robert Benchley

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Robert Benchley
Age: 56 †
Born: 1889
Born: September 15
Died: 1945
Died: November 21
Actor
Humorist
Journalist
Screenwriter
Worcester
Massachusetts
Comedy
Born
Wells
Well
Things
People
Surprised
Constantly

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The only cure for a real hangover is death.
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She sleeps alone at last.
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People who begin sentences with I may be old-fashioned but-- are usually not only old-fashioned but wrong. I never thought the time would come when I should catch myself leading off with that crack. But I feel it coming on right now.
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Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of
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Anything can happen, but it usually doesn't.
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The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
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Sheer madness is, of course, the highest possible brow in humor.
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If you look at eggs, you will see that each one is almost round but not quite ... Nature's way of distinguishing eggs from large golf balls.
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I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.
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A child of three cannot raise its chubby fist to its mouth to remove a piece of carpet which it is through eating, without being made the subject of a psychological seminar of child-welfare experts, and written up, along with five hundred other children of three who have put their hands to their mouths for the same reason.
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Every boy should have two things: a dog and a mother who lets him have one
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I once heard of a murderer who propped his two victims up against a chess board in sporting attitudes and was able to get as far as Seattle before his crime was discovered.
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You won't find one fish in a million that has enough sense to come in when it rains.
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A man gets on a train with his little boy, and gives the conductor only one ticket. 'How old's your kid?' the conductor says, and the father says, 'He's four years old.' 'He looks at least twelve to me,' says the conductor. And the father says, 'Can I help it if he worries?
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The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. That remark in itself wouldn't make any sense if quoted as it stands.
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It was one of those plays in which all of the actors unfortunately enunciated very clearly.
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Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
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Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
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A man may take care of a furnace for twenty-five years and still forget to duck his head when he starts going down the cellar stairs.
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All laughter is a muscular rigidity spasmodically relieved by involuntary twitching.
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