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Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.

Robert Benchley

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Robert Benchley
Age: 56 †
Born: 1889
Born: September 15
Died: 1945
Died: November 21
Actor
Humorist
Journalist
Screenwriter
Worcester
Massachusetts
Alcohol
Compounding
Drinking
Felony
Begin
Drunkenness
Fool
Alcoholism
Drink
Alcoholics
Makes
Liquor
People
Drank
Fools

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The naturalistic literature of this country has reached such a state that no family of characters is considered true to life whichdoes not include at least two hypochondriacs, one sadist, and one old man who spills food down the front of his vest.
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Central Park is the grandiose symbol of the front yard each child in New York hasn't got.
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In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That's what makes it so tough for us outsiders. We have to fight home competition.
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If you look at eggs, you will see that each one is almost round but not quite ... Nature's way of distinguishing eggs from large golf balls.
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Every boy should have two things: a dog and a mother who lets him have one
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Traveling with children corresponds roughly to traveling third class in Bulgaria.
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It has always seemed to me that the most difficult part of building a bridge would be the start.
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Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of
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A child of three cannot raise its chubby fist to its mouth to remove a piece of carpet which it is through eating, without being made the subject of a psychological seminar of child-welfare experts, and written up, along with five hundred other children of three who have put their hands to their mouths for the same reason.
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The knocking out of a pipe can be made almost as important as the smoking of it, especially if there are nervous people in the room. A good, smart knock of a pipe against a tin wastebasket and you will have a neurasthenic out of his chair and into the window sash in no time.
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Next to an old-fashioned church social, or possibly a monster bridge party, there is no buzz which can equal the sibilant buzz ofa matinée.
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This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation.
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If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from.
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A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
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A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death.
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Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
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My only solution for the problem of habitual accidents is to stay in bed all day. Even then, there is always the chance that you will fall out.
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A man gets on a train with his little boy, and gives the conductor only one ticket. 'How old's your kid?' the conductor says, and the father says, 'He's four years old.' 'He looks at least twelve to me,' says the conductor. And the father says, 'Can I help it if he worries?
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I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.
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We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born.
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