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Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

Robert Benchley

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Robert Benchley
Age: 56 †
Born: 1889
Born: September 15
Died: 1945
Died: November 21
Actor
Humorist
Journalist
Screenwriter
Worcester
Massachusetts
Nothing
English
Drink
Sarcasm
Silence
Sarcastic
Fine
Stupidity
Funny
Beer
Language
Educational
Inspirational
Command
Book
Drawing

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If you look at eggs, you will see that each one is almost round but not quite ... Nature's way of distinguishing eggs from large golf balls.
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Next to an old-fashioned church social, or possibly a monster bridge party, there is no buzz which can equal the sibilant buzz ofa matinée.
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I don't want to be an alarmist, but I think that the Younger Generation is up to something.... I base my apprehension on nothing more definite than the fact that they are always coming in and going out of the house, without any apparent reason.
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Anything can happen, but it usually doesn't.
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There is a note in the front of the volume saying that no public reading may be given without first getting the author's permission. It ought to be made much more difficult to do than that.
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Sheer madness is, of course, the highest possible brow in humor.
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Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
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Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.
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You won't find one fish in a million that has enough sense to come in when it rains.
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If there is a streak of ham anywhere in an actor, Shakespeare will bring it out.
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Most personal correspondence of today consists of letters the first half of which are given over to an indexed statement of why the writer hasn't written before, followed by one paragraph of small talk, with the remainder devoted to reasons why it is imperative that the letter be brought to a close.
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There are several ways to apportion the family income, all of them unsatisfactory.
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Who has not wished that his host would come out frankly at the beginning of the visit and state, in no uncertain terms, the rulesand preferences of the household in such matters as the breakfast hour? And who has not sounded out his guest to find out what he likes in the regulation of his diet and modus vivendi (mode of living)?
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A man may take care of a furnace for twenty-five years and still forget to duck his head when he starts going down the cellar stairs.
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There is probably no more obnoxious class of citizen, taken end for end, than the returning vacationist.
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But compared with the task of selecting a piece of French pastry held by an impatient waiter a move in chess is like reaching for a salary check in its demand on the contemplative faculties.
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My only solution for the problem of habitual accidents is to stay in bed all day. Even then, there is always the chance that you will fall out.
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I am both a public and a private school boy myself, having always changed schools just as the class in English in the new school was taking up Silas Marner, with the result that it was the only book in the English language that I knew until I was eighteen--but, boy, did I know Silas Marner!
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It has always seemed to me that the most difficult part of building a bridge would be the start.
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At fifteen one is first beginning to realize that everything isn't money and power in this world, and is casting about for joys that do not turn to dross in one's hands.
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