If you're going to steal a car, don't steal a mail vehicle. They don't mess around. I mean, have fun, steal all the cars you want, but don't steal a U.S. Mail vehicle.

One of the coolest things was that, in 2007, I got to go to Iraq with Rob Riggle, Paul Scheer, and Horatio Sanz. We went over there to do some comedy shows with the U.S.O.

That's a weird way to torture yourself. Just watch a movie, over and over, that you hate. That's really funny - that's probably exactly what hell is like.

I didn't drink at all in school, so when I went to college, I went nuts. I was trying to catch up on all the partying I missed out on.

People always say, When did you know you were funny? They don't mean that in a bad way - this already makes me sound like such a jerk.

I have a thing that I do when I meet famous people where I try to play it really cool. Sometimes I pretend like I don't know them.I was at this party and James Bond was there. Daniel Craig, but I think he goes by James Bond. Anyway, my wife is in love with him. He was in a tuxedo looking all James Bondish.

Paul McCartney chit-chats with you, he makes eye contact with you, he seems really interested in what you're saying. He really puts everyone else at ease and makes them feel good so they're not nervous, which I think is really cool.

There's no way to play it cool when you meet Paul McCartney. You just start sweating, you trip over your words. Everyone kind of reverts back to being a 10-year-old girl. You can't help it. He's one of the only people on planet Earth that everyone knows who he is. Everyone.

Don't ever use duct tape on your privates. That's what I always tell people.

Bigfoot loves celebrities. You just have to bring celebrities that Bigfoot loves. It would probably be just gorgeous women.

When you're expecting a baby, there's a lot you can plan for, but when it happens early you just have to jump into it. Whatever plans you had, everything goes out the window.

I was really good in high school, so in college I was going to be really bad.