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It's probably not love if you don't press your face to the toilet seat after they've used it to feel their warmth.

Rob Delaney

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Rob Delaney
Age: 47
Born: 1977
Born: January 19
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Marblehead
Massachusetts
Love
Laughing
Relationship
Toilet
Probably
Toilets
Face
Seat
Faces
Warmth
Used
Seats
Feel
Presses
Feels
Press

More quotes by Rob Delaney

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I'm a comedian at the beginning and the end of the day. I'm not affiliated with any campaign, nor do I generally find politics interesting enough to plan to be involved.
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I don't think of marriage as the drudge work that a lot of sitcoms and movies might have shown it to be, I think it's more deadly murderous rage, unadulterated passion, soul-crushing purgatorial dread... It's more interesting.
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Don't even FRONT like you love your family, America, or God, if you don't have a DETAILED & REHEARSED Black Friday tactical shopping plan.
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In real life, I am alarmingly boring.
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The danger for a comedian on Twitter is the same danger that any civilian faces: sometimes you gotta put that phone down and go live your life. When you're on Twitter, you're not living, and if you're not living, you're not taking in stimuli with which you can create new material.
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Comedians who are 22 years old can certainly be funny and clever, and be capable of telling jokes - but are they talking about their favorite TV shows, or a particular brand of shampoo?
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If you have an opinion on what other adults do consensually with other adults when they take their pants off, you're a weirdo.
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I'm endlessly fascinated by parenting, marriage, my wife and the ins and outs of marriage.
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Well, Mitt Romney is a very attractive comedic target. He’s irresistible to me. I mean seriously, I want to pay less attention to him.
Rob Delaney
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I hate wearing suits and ties.
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I no longer believe in freedom of speech.
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I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, 'people.'
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I use Twitter as a tool to get involved with people, to sell tickets to gigs where I can stand in a room and smell the audience - and I love that!
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I had always loved comedy, and acted out Steve Martin and Bill Cosby albums with my sister for my parents on road trips and stuff, and I loved to laugh and make people laugh.
Rob Delaney
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Politicians, it's in their job description to just lie, every day.
Rob Delaney
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In the ambiguity and shifting playing field of adult life, I often wish I could just fill in a dot and have someone say “Yes” and hand me a chicken leg, or “No” and slap me with an old fish.
Rob Delaney
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A long-term relationship is about showing up and working hard and banking on each other. If one's down, the other might be up and can help the other one up, and sometimes you're both down and you just [band] together. Endurance is a big theme of it for me. That might not sound romantic, but I kind of think that it is.
Rob Delaney
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I think your ambition for something changes as you go.
Rob Delaney
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In high school, I definitely fancied myself an intense guy, which is so lame.
Rob Delaney
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But I also know in standup, there's nowhere to hide. You get on stage and you deliver, or you are eviscerated and you are thrown into a pile of bodies at the bottom of a mountain.
Rob Delaney