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I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life.

Rita Rudner

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Rita Rudner
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: September 17
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Voice Actor
Miami
Florida
Jogged
Miles
Worst
Hours
Three
Life

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I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.
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Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
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All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.
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Be careful of men who are bald and rich the arrogance of rich usually cancels out the nice of bald.
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I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.
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Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
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Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.
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One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on brown envelopes.
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I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself well, that's not going to happen
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I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
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After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.
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I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.
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When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.
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Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
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An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom it just doesn't work.
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You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.
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My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.
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Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.
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The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him
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I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.
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