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Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.

Rita Rudner

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Rita Rudner
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: September 17
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Voice Actor
Miami
Florida
Live
Wells
Well
Even
Men
Like
People
Furniture
Bears

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My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale.
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I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
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I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.
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A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
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Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
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Never take candy from strangers.
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Men don't mature. Marry a younger one.
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Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
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If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.
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I'll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself.
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Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
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Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say Thank you. That's now escalated into You care care of yourself, now. The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, Don't put off that mammogram.
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No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
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Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
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Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, Never take candy from strangers. And then they dressed me up and said, Go beg for it. I didn't know what to do. I'd knock on people's doors and go, Trick or treat.
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I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.
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I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.
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When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
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I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.
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I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.
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