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My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.

Rita Rudner

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Rita Rudner
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: September 17
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Voice Actor
Miami
Florida
Lived
Football
Sports
Sound
Voice
Fear
Howard
Father
Watched
Hearing

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A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
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How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?
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I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.
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I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life.
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Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
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There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.
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It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.
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A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
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Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.
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I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.
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After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.
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Men don't mature. Marry a younger one.
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Most turkeys taste better the day after my mother's tasted better the day before.
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Most women are introspective: Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled? Most men are outrospective: Did my team win? How's my car?
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Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.
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Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
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I just don't get cats. To me, they're a waste of fur.
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Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.
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Never take candy from strangers.
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Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
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