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My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.

Rita Rudner

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Rita Rudner
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: September 17
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Voice Actor
Miami
Florida
Voice
Fear
Howard
Father
Watched
Hearing
Lived
Football
Sports
Sound

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Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
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Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.
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When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
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How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?
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Men don't mature. Marry a younger one.
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Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, Are we going to have sex again? He said, Yes, but not with each other.
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Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people.
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I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.
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I'll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself.
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Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
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Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.
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I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
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My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.
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There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.
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I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life.
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Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
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No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
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I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.
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When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
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We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
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